Saturday, June 14, 2003
I have often asked myself what loneliness is. Is it something that just happens or just a feeling? To be truthful I really don’t know what it is, but I know it does hurt. I know I’m not alone; I have family, friends and I am around people almost every day. So why do I feel alone…lonely people there are so many of us in the world caused by so many things, is it that hard to put a finger on why we are so lonely?
I have found that for me at least, loneliness is someone missing from my day to day life. Someone to share my feelings with, my thoughts, emotions, cares and concerns. Someone whom I can tell my innermost secrets to, whom can tell me theirs too. I wish I could find that person who can feel the void that is in my life, and whom I can feel the void in theirs.
When I start feeling lonely, I think back to times in my life when I didn’t feel alone. I try to find what it is that is missing now and was there then. I find myself trying to catch a feeling for even a moment to fill the void that has grown inside of me. I look back and then forward to see if there is something I can do, a place I can go or just a way to find what is missing from my soul.
I wonder if it’s just me a lot of the time. I look at my friend I had then and the ones I have now. I find that it’s not the friends I had or have, but it is something just inside of me. My friendships I’ve both then and now have thought me to believe in myself, trust others and be braver, but there is still something missing. A deeper connection than even the friendship I share only with my best friends, something in the soul of someone else that I long for but can’t seem to find.
It’s true though when I’m with my friends I don’t feel as lonely, but still there is just something not there. My friends bring me comfort, companionship and love…but that doesn’t seem to fill the void completely.
I want so must to find someone, something or someway to fill this void. Unfortunately, I seem to be lacking a way, the ability or maybe even the skill to find what I need so. It would seem, that like thousands of others, I will count myself among the masses who are the lonely.